Last night at poker at around 3am I started crying and had to go into the bathroom and just cry for ten minutes. James brought me some tequila and it helped me calm down. I was able to finish out the night and keep it together until I left. Justin also freaked me out. He sent me a text asking if I had lost someone close to me. He said he sensed loss. It made me feel kind of violated. He gave me a backhanded condolence as well saying he was sorry to hear it, but he wished he didn't know or some such shit, and that he was extra intuitive because he was really sad. Pissed me off, I didn't reply.
I cried myself to sleep last night and have been crying all day today. I think I was in shock before. My brain isn't really functioning properly and I'm super fatigued. To add to the overwhelm Dameon sent me some long, horribly written, accusatory email. I didn't even attempt to really take any of it in or decide if I'm going to reply or not. What did stand out was the horrid spelling, embarrassing lack of proper punctuation, and ludicrously ridiculous grammatical errors. At least it made me happy that I am no longer with him. So I've sort of turned into a sad slug. Getting off the couch this evening to lug my weary soul to bed was quite a feat. I just felt completely stifled and overwhelmed with sadness. My eyes are all weird and swollen from crying, but I know I'll just continue to heal from this like I always do. I feel pretty much indestructible emotionally. I'm so used to dealing with incredibly painful situations. I know this will pass and Pillow will always be a part of me. I imagine her as big as a lioness , protecting and loving me on the spirit plane.
Just a thought. I've gotten so used to being let down and treated badly by men, I've accepted it as high probability whenever I become involved in any way with one. Am I attracting this because I think this or do I accept this because it is indeed factual? Is this a normal thought pattern for women? Am I becoming bitter or just realistic?